thisbigcheese

"You need to realise that the way you are feeling now will not be permanent."

My course is properly wearing me out, but I’m not a quitter and I’ve certainly come way too far to let this go. 

I know that it will all pay off eventually, but I need something to keep me going for now. I wish home was a 2-hour train ride away, I wish I could run to daddy like I did when I was a kid. Nobody told me that growing up would be this hard.

But I will keep fighting for this. For the greatest injustice one could ever to do oneself is to give up at the 11th hour. And I know that better than anyone else - I’ve been there once and I never want to go back again. 

I’m not broken, I’m only human.

Should you be the one to walk away unscathed some day, don’t forget the one(s) that you have left behind hurting. Be kind, have heart. For we are all only human. 

LDN summer 2k14.

Before you came along, I hated the city with a passion. Then you gave me reasons to love London. I still remember ever so vividly, you in your grey suit waiting for me outside Southwark station, the amazing dinner we had at Union Street cafe, the breathtaking view from the OXO tower, and our little stroll along the River Thames. I remember our awkward parting at Brixton (two partings in fact), you texting me after while I played with my hostess’s cat. You were so sincere, I ended up coming back to London for you. So two days later, you picked me up from Euston..

I remember that hot summer Thursday, the walk to the park, the flock of pigeons and our takeaway dinner on your sofa as I curled up to you. I remember Friday morning where you wouldn’t get up until I kissed you (as promised), I remember how alive Canary Wharf made me feel. I remember our little phone call whilst I was at Barclays’ gym, I remember bumping into you as we exited Brixton. You coming up straight to me, grabbing my hand and kissing me then telling me “I’ve missed you today”. I remember us outside that little pub where you told me about your family, and the sweet night that followed after.

I remember how we stayed in bed all Saturday, you telling me not to be upset about leaving. We had our lunch at 5, and you told me more about London. You showed me the side of London I never knew over my salmon salad, because “don’t get chicken salad, it might just come with chicken breast and you hate that don’t you?” I remember saying goodbye at Brixton, thinking that this was it.

But it wasn’t, because you kept it going. You rang me before my flight, and we spoke even more when I got to Singapore. It was all rainbows and unicorns, it was. And you were the first guy that I had properly let into my life in a long long while. 

Now more than ever, I want a job in London. 4 years in Manchester and I’ve forgotten and missed the fast-paced city life, that one that invigorates me so much. You spoke to me about capital markets, and it was then that I knew for sure I wanted to be a corporate solicitor. And I couldn’t thank you more for that - my litigation experiences had almost killed my passion for law, and you (unknowingly) showed me the way out. I’ve chosen my electives yesterday, and I’m eager as hell to begin on capital markets, M&As and fund and estate planning. I know I have the potential to make it big. And I hope some day you’ll see that whilst I may have only been a 22 YO fresh-grad and you 27 and established when all of it happened, our lives are not / wouldn’t have been that different.

I’m spending almost 10 hours a day now preparing for classes and applying for jobs, but the physical fatigue doesn’t seem to keep me away from these thoughts. I miss you A, I wish things could have worked out. 

Love will never be like it’s shown in the movies. It’s a trap and we all fall for it that’s why relationships take an early end these days because they can’t reach the expectations we have and we have them because of all those movies that teach us the wrong things. We fall for those ideals like kissing in the rain and running after someone and finally finding the right words but this is as wrong as the ideals itself because kissing under summer rain isn’t as special as kissing under the shower. And I would have used the right words if I could but I never ran after her because I was afraid and no words could have healed what I have broken. Maybe my feet would have been running after her when there would also have been some dramatic music that made up the suspense and maybe with that music in the background the right words would have come floating out of my lips like a waterfall. But there has never been this background music I waited for because this is life and not a god damn movie and I will probably never find the right words to turn it all around, instead I will just stand here and watch everything fall apart and say nothing at all and realize that I’m my own director and right know I’m making a better movie about the real love than anybody ever has because there is no assurance of a happy end in this love, just like it is in reality.

Elay Neal Moses  (via coachela)

Dear A, there were so many things I wanted to say to you that night. But I was so caught up in my emotions I couldn’t find the words, and now I’ll never get to say them. 

(Source: coachela, via oops-sorrymom)

Can I trust myself to trust again?

Can I trust myself to trust again?

(Source: moan-s, via moan-s)

A. Hogan

You’re no more than a distant memory now, but a very vivid one nonetheless. If only we had met under different circumstances, if only you were here in Manchester or me there in London. 

Do you know that you were the best thing that have happened to me in a long long while? The first guy I had properly let into my life in ages?

The Manchester I don’t know anymore.

In all honesty, it feels really strange walking down Oxford Road and even more so standing under the arch where I once threw my mortar board now that I’m no longer an undergrad at the Uni of Manc. It almost feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome in Manchester. I wonder how things are going to be like when classes start. Will I get used to being in a seminar room rather than a lecture hall and sitting with new people rather than Linisha, Shinyee, Audrey or Kammy? Will I get used to nights out without my Singaporean hommies followed by a huge meal at Pearl City? Will I get used to not having Jenny around? It definitely feels like I don’t belong to Manchester anymore. 

And having to deal with that conversation in my standard spot in Blue 2, that was weird as well.

:(

I’ve just helped a friend move out of her now ex-boyfriend’s place. I’ve been there for people going through break ups, but this is by far the most graphic and heart-wrenching demise of a relationship that I have had to witness. I’ve been told that when you love someone, you give them the power to hurt you but trust that they wouldn’t. But intentions and consequences don’t always coincide, do they? If this period has taught me anything, it’s that I’m better off married to my work than getting emotionally involved with anyone. 

Idwtha.

Just because what you’re doing isn’t “technically” wrong doesn’t make it anymore appropriate ethically or morally. People have feelings, so please, have a heart and be decent. Fuck technicalities, it’s one thing to dish them out as defences at work, and it’s another to do the exact same in your personal life. 

I wish I hadn’t shown you the darkest parts of me.

—I Would Take it All Back (#616: July 21, 2014)

(Source: write2014)

I don’t want to have to wait or anticipate anymore. This could potentially lead to something good, I don’t know. But I’m too afraid to let things get anymore complicated. Should we put things to rest, should we?

I don’t want to have to wait or anticipate anymore. This could potentially lead to something good, I don’t know. But I’m too afraid to let things get anymore complicated. Should we put things to rest, should we?

(Source: weheartit.com, via feellng)

Gamble taken.

I’m meant to feel incredibly accomplished and happy today, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. Either the initial excitement has dissipated, or I’ve made a wrong decision.